Lotus: A Self Reflection on Social Bubbles

In 2018, I went to Thailand to visit my family. Despite the multiple arguments about money, politics, and religion, I was still happy to see them. We found time together to visit different places, from mega malls and beaches to wats (temples) and elephant sanctuaries. To this day, one place that stood out in particular to me is the lotus farm.

When you first get off the river boat and walk into the lotus farm, located off the edge of Mahasawat canal, you’re greeted with both an amazing smell and sight. The lotuses sit so tightly grouped that the water beneath can barely be seen. At the time I went, only half of the lotus flowers were blooming, the rest enclosed like pale green cocoons. Being there gave me a sense of peace, a breather for the tired mind and heart. As I sat there by the water I realized how much I wanted to be a person that could create this view. How much I, too, wanted to create this bubble, a fragment of the world in which lotuses could blossom.

Getting into and cultivating bubbles has always been easy for me. Throughout my life, I feel like I’ve always seen it as “How do I grow?” and “How do I help the people around me grow?” I always take on leadership roles because it’s really what I want to do - each person has a different story, perspective, and smile. But over time, it felt like I lost my own self. I had met with so many different people from so many different backgrounds and tried to be the right fit for each circle. Eventually, all of those people have meshed into who I am today. It became natural to meet new people and assimilate. What was hard for me to come to terms with was that it wasn’t clear who I was when I looked at myself.

I’ve struggled a long time with who I want to become and what I want to do. As with many people, I struggled to figure out my identity. All I really knew was that I wanted to see the people around me happy. That train of thought ends up causing problems, though. In Asian culture, I think we value the collective rather than the individual. Rather than having to pick one or the other, I think we should have a special place in between. The collective and the individual should be a symbiotic relationship. We should learn more about ourselves to learn more about others. But there are times I forget to take a step back from the lotus flowers and look at myself. It’s something I often want to bring up, that we can get so caught up in our bubbles and the bubbles around us that we forget that what can be more important than the bubble is ourselves.

I want the people around me to be happy, but I realized I needed to draw a line. What I wanted was not just to make my friends and family happy, but also to open my heart to people. It’s a feeling I missed dearly. Some days it feels like I have no passion, no drive to reach somewhere. Like many, I often think back to my childhood as a great time because it felt so simple to laugh and smile. As a child, I would’ve played in the lotus farm. As I’ve grown older, I think I'm content with just watching it. Part of me is still that child that wants to reach out to something, to someone.

I’m writing this because I know there are people out there who feel like I do. People who haven’t really figured it out but are happy with the people around them. It’s nice to see others blossom, but have you? All I can do now is spill my heart out, with everything I say, everything I do, everything I write. Think about the people around you and the bubbles you’re in, but never forget that you are a person whose existence is larger than any of these concepts. Bubbles are thin, lotuses are frail, and these metaphors are not meant to trap you inside of them. I know for many it’s not as easy to say that they’ll spill what they have inside out for everyone to hear, but I think...

It’s worth a shot. Just to one person, or even just to yourself.

As Asian Americans, how often do we hear the word “reflect”? How often do we ask each other about our dreams? How often do we talk about our mental health? Definitely not enough. Take a step out of the concept of bubbles, and look at the concept of you. I stared into that lotus field amidst family troubles, childhood trauma, and relationship struggles. I made the lotus field into my own fantasy, a place I could escape to. But in reality, I needed to face everything and instead of creating a bubble, understand what’s in one.

Just as a lotus field can bring a smile to my face, a single lotus flower can be just as beautiful

(Note: This is a repost of a article I wrote for Asian Outlook some time ago check them out!! Their magazine is linked below.)